


Wanna Love You But I Don't Know How

by CoffeeAndArrows



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: 3x18, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, aka Ray doesn't interrupt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 04:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14465301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows
Summary: She saw Sara open her mouth as if to speak, but shook her head, reaching out for the other woman's hands and grasping them tightly. 'Don't. Please.'Sara's eyes met hers, confusion flickering through them, so Ava clarified hesitantly 'I need to say this. Just... I... Give me a minute, okay?'Sara nodded slowly, content to wait as long as she needed for the other woman to collect her thoughts. Ava closed her eyes, feeling the far too familiar sensation of tears burning behind her eyelids as Sara's thumbs brushed over her knuckles. For someone who had seen so much pain and suffering in her life, Sara could be so incrediblysoft, and it never failed to break her heart just that little bit more.Or, Ray doesn't interrupt that conversation in 3x18





	Wanna Love You But I Don't Know How

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this the day after the finale, but only just got round to finishing it, so here ya go.
> 
> 100% unbeta'd so I apologise in advance.
> 
> Enjoy!

_ Did you mean what you said the last time we saw each other?' _

Sara raised an eyebrow at her question,  clearly not expecting to have this conversation right now . To be fair, it  really wasn't a good time, but Ava needed to know. 

Especially if they were about to go risk their lives fighting Romans and Pirates and God knows what else.

'When I told you to run?' Sara asked, a fake look of confusion crossing her face.

'No,' Ava sighed, her next words hesitant. 'Before that?'

Sara smirked. Damn her, for pretending not to know exactly what she was doing.  Her gaze softened, and she lowered her voice  slightly , switching from her 'Captain voice' to what Zari had  fondly called her 'Ava voice' . 'When I told you I loved you?'

Ava's face scrunched up, somehow adorable and vulnerable at the same time, her eyes fixed  firmly on the floor as she let out a quiet 'yep .'

Sara smirked at her again, giving her that _look_  which never failed to make her knees go weak, and then studied her face for a second . 'What do you think?'

'I...' she cut herself off, biting her lip, unsure of how to continue. Sara was... well, Sara. She was incredible and fantastic and badass and wonderful, and Ava was  just ...Ava. 

Well,  apparently she wasn't even Ava. 

She was no one. 

Noticing they had an audience, no matter how hard the other Legends tried to disguise their eavesdropping, Sara reached out to place a hand on Ava's arm,  gently moving them away from the group .  If they were actually having this conversation, they were having it now, with no interference and no distractions .

She squeezed Ava's arm in support before removing her hand, and Ava hated that she immediately felt the loss like a punch to the stomach .  Sara had this way of making the simplest actions into loving gestures, and every single time it tore her resolve in two .

_Loving._

'Aves?'  Sara prompted, breaking her out of her thoughts, and Ava ran her hands across her face, trying not to let across  just how torn up she felt inside .

She took a deep breath. 'I know you meant it. I  just \- ' 

Once again, she  abruptly cut herself off, shuddering. She couldn't do this. Not now,  maybe not ever.

_If you don't talk to her, you'll lose her,_ a voice whispered in the back of her mind.

_You don't deserve her anyway,_ another voice whispered, this one much crueller than the first .

She saw Sara open her mouth as if to speak, but shook her head, reaching out for the other woman's hands and grasping them  tightly . 'Don't. Please.' 

Sara's eyes met hers, confusion flickering through them, so Ava clarified  hesitantly 'I need to say this . Just... I... Give me a minute, okay?' 

Sara nodded  slowly , content to wait as long as she needed for the other woman to collect her thoughts.  Ava closed her eyes, feeling the far too familiar sensation of tears burning behind her eyelids as Sara's thumbs brushed over her knuckles .  For someone who had seen so much pain and suffering in her life, Sara could be so  incredibly _soft_ , and it never failed to break her heart  just that little bit more .

She didn't deserve this.

Ava drew in a deep breath, followed by several more, and tried to keep the tremors out of her voice as she spoke. Her words were quiet, somehow more vulnerable than they had seemed in her head. 'I don't doubt that you love me. And I... You are wonderful Sara, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I care about you. I care about you so, so much.'

Sara nodded, squeezing her hands  gently , but  thankfully she didn't interrupt - she wasn't sure she'd be able to continue if someone stopped her .

'But I - ' Her breathing hitched,  barely audible, but Sara noticed all the same, and bought their entwined hands up to her lips to press another  ridiculously soft kiss to her knuckles . Ava felt her tears finally run down her cheeks as she whispered  brokenly 'I don't know who I am.' 

There was a moment of silence in which  all of Ava's fears came rushing back to the front of her mind, but then she felt Sara's arms come up around her, pulling her into her embrace, and the only emotion she could conjure was _relief_ . 

Relief, that Sara didn't hate her. 

Relief, that she wasn't leaving.

After hugging her  tightly for a minute, Sara pulled away  just enough that she could see Ava's face, and slid a hand under her jaw, angling her head towards her so she had no option but to stare into Sara's  impossibly blue eyes .

Feeling the need to continue, Ava whispered 'I don't know how to love you when I don't know who I am,' more tears escaping and rolling down her cheeks .

Sara reached up to press her lips against the blonde's forehead, chaste and almost fragile, but at the same time not quite enough . 'You don't have to say it back, Aves. I know you're struggling, and I know this is hard.  Just let me in, okay?'

Ava blinked, eyes still focused on Sara's, drinking in the tender affection that  was written all over the other woman's face . 'You can decide who you want to be. It might be a long road, but I would love to be right here beside you the whole way. Yeah?'

'Yeah,' Ava murmured. Sara seemed to understand why she had run away, and she was being _so nice_  about it, but Ava still felt like it wasn't enough. Like she hadn't said enough, hadn't  truly let Sara know how she felt.

'Sara,' she murmured once again, feeling the blonde's eyes flick back to look at her. Ava kept her gaze fixed  firmly on the ground. 'I don't... I can't say it back. Not yet. But I need you to know how much you mean to me. I want to learn how to do this.'  She felt a hand caress her cheek once again and leaned into it, drawing strength from Sara's affection as she breathed 'I want to love you .'

This time, Sara didn't hold back, leaning up until her lips were level with Ava's. 'This okay?' she breathed, waiting until Ava nodded before pressing their lips together.

This kiss was nothing like the one that came before.  It was soft, caring, but there was something else behind it, a desperate need for each other, a new understanding between them . 

When Sara finally pulled away, Ava rested her forehead against the other woman's, trying to catch her breath . 

'I'm sorry I left the other day. That wasn't fair.'

Sara chuckled, looking more like herself than she had all day . 'God, we're a mess.' 

Ava grinned back at her, feeling as if the piece of her heart that had gone missing was finally back in place - or at least making its way there .

Her words shone with sincerity as she imitated Sara's smirk. 'I wouldn't have it any other way.'

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it :)  
> Title from 'Sleeping at Last' by neptune
> 
> Comments and kudos make my day, and feel free to come scream at me on twitter @Cffe_and_Arrows


End file.
